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No one really takes my picture, but Lisa did and I thought I’d share her image. This is my face more often than not.
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Life got messy.
I’m not sure how or why or when exactly, but at some point my faith in everything I had once believed so strongly in, started to fade. With that absence came all the moments of weakness I tried desperately to hide from you. It seemed that any free chance I had, the daily commute, a few minutes in the shower, a quick escape to the grocery store, all seemed to come with a sadness that tore through my entire being. Tears would come quickly and hard and as much as I tried to hide it from you, I was failing miserably.
As always, the world kept moving and it seemed we strayed farther apart from one another. I wanted so desperately to bring the light back into your eyes, but it seemed that no matter what I said or did, you just couldn’t bring yourself to care. For the first time since you swept into my life, I began to question everything. If I had made the wrong decision, moving half a world away to start a life with you. If this belief I had of us growing old together, rocking together on our front porch, holding hands and drinking coffee was nothing more than a naive little girl’s fantasy. Maybe you were meant to be with someone else. I never told you this, but even when you found yourself wrapped in the sweaty sheets of another, I always hoped, that you felt something was missing, that what we had was greater than any lust filled fling you found yourself wrapped in. That your heart ached for mine, the way mine did for yours. That you ran because you were scared and you came back because you were even more scared to live without me. And for the first time, I felt like that was all just in my head. A world I had created to make myself feel better about the past.
We weren’t in sync anymore. The things that came so easily to us, seemed forced and unnatural. Conversations were terse, the slightest decisions seemed to throw us into a never ending fight, that only resulted in driving a wedge between us.
I was convinced you had fallen out of love with me and were just waiting for the next person to come around. I didn’t know or want to fight for us anymore. I was exhausted and heart broken and just wanted to run away from it all.
Then we had a perfect day and everything felt right. The day came easy, we laughed harder than we had laughed in a long time and in one moment, that seemed to shatter just as quickly as it came. It was silly really, but I was so hurt and the instincts kicked in and I wanted to run. Run as far away as I could. Run until my body gave out on me, run until I knew that you wouldn’t be able to stop me.
But you wouldn’t let me. You grabbed me and held me tighter than I think you have ever held me before. The words flowed from your mouth and it was everything I had desperately needed to hear, everything that could restore my faith in who we were. For the first time in a really long time, I felt like I had the boy I had fallen in love with sitting before me again. I felt like I was seeing your heart for the first time and falling in love with you all over. With your words, came strength from within to confess everything I had been feeling. All the doubts I had melted away and for the first time in a long time, it felt like it was you and me against the world again. That I was the only person you wanted, the only person you could see yourself spending your life with. I had my best friend back and this time I never wanted to let go.
Life gets messy at times, but I have renewed faith in you, in us. That together maybe we can’t save the world, but we sure as hell can fight back.
I love you, to the moon and back. Forever, always, and a day. Until my wrinkled little hands, lets go of yours, you will always have my heart.
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Yours is a heart that was never mine to own,
And I’ve always been too foolish to stop trying to steal it.
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10.30.2012
What would you have regretted not doing if the storm really did destroy this world?
Would you have held your loved ones tighter? Would the thought of past mistakes haunt you? Would you have said everything you wanted to say to the ones you love, or the ones you hate? Would you have asked every question you sought the answer too?
Or maybe you would have cursed the storm? Gone outside, and let it tears your flesh to pieces. Or cowered under blankets and hoped it all would pass? Would you have cursed the God you always put your faith into? Or would you have prayed harder for salvation?
Would you mourn the family you’d never had? Or wish you would have chosen a different career path? Would you be left with dreams that never reached the surface or saw the light of day?
Whatever it maybe, today is a new day, a fresh start, don’t like hesitation steal the dreams you have away from you. Make them work. Hold the ones you love, like you’ll never let them go. Say the things you need to say, the things you want to say and disregard whatever fear is making you complacent.
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I dream of a simpler time. The two of us, sitting side by side as the sun touches the morning sky. The mist on the ground glinting happily at us, like it holds all the treasure we ever desired. Steam with flow out of your favorite coffee cup and you’ll pass the minutes telling me stories of your adventures. I’ll hang on every word, the way I always do and take comfort in the fact that over the years, the worry lines will have faded into laugh lines. My hand will reach for yours and hold it tightly, as if this is the only thing anchoring me to this world. You’re mind will ease and your eyes wander less. You’ll be happy with our ending and where our life has taken us. I’ll be content knowing that at last we have made it. At last you’re happy.
I dream of a simpler time.
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Untitled
A knot forms in my stomach and my chest struggles against the weight that is pressing down upon it. I’m missing you my dear, does your heart long for me as well? My thoughts wander to your sweet face. I wonder if you’ll find rest this evening or if your heart aches for me as well. Do you find comfort in the mere thought of me or of a future together? Does your skin crave the feeling of mine pressed against yours every so lightly? I’m missing you fiercely, miles are nothing new to us, and yet it seems like the distance will never end. I long for the place we call our home, the only place that feels safe to me. Does it still feel the same in my absence? Do you wish I was there to lay beside you as the day grows old and the night comes to steal your dreams away? Tell me sweet boy, are you missing me to?
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Today I start a brand new year in my life and it causes one to really reflect on what’s important. 23 was not always easy or fun, but I survived and managed to make a few dreams come true in the process. I owe a lot of that to the man next to me in this photograph. I’m not sure where I’d be without him. Today we not only celebrate my birthday, but a huge step in his career thus far.
He is my other (better) half, my best friend, and the one place on this planet I know I’ll always be safe. We’ve laughed, cried, yelled, and fell apart together but have always managed to pick up the pieces and rebuild together. He is my strength, my inspiration and the only person that will love me for who I am. I’m a better me because of him. Even when my stomach is in knots, my heart is racing and the world is falling apart, just by slipping his hand into mine, the earth seems to stop and I can breathe again.
I’ve lived both sides, with him and without him. I’m not sure how I made it 21 years before him, but every second he has been in my life has been better than the one before.
So today I’ll go to our little home, and hold him just a little tighter knowing that today we embark on the best part of our journey together. No matter what happens or where we land, we have one another and that’s worth more than all the stars in the sky.
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6.12.2012
I have not updated this in a very long time and I’m not sure why I’m updating it now. Maybe its just a way for me to get it all out, who knows.
I’ve been thinking a lot about life lately, especially everything that has occurred over the past year. To say it hasn’t taken its toll on me, would be a lie, but to say that I have not overcame every obstacle in my way, would be a lie as well. It’s changed me, maybe for the better, maybe for the worst, only time will tell on that one really.
This past year, I struggled a lot. A lot more than I thought I would in my entire life. I’ve had vicious and malicious statements said about me by parties who have not even met me in real life. But only harbor ill feelings towards me over a situation that I did not create. Well, thats not entirely true. I didn’t ever give up fighting for someone I believed in and I will never stop (you can mark my words). I’ve had people that I loved and trusted throw me away in more ways than I could ever imagine. Those same people have used things I had revealed in confidence just to hurt me in the end. Friends that I once cherished are now aqcuaitances I hold at arm’s length, if that. The people I surronded myself with everyday seemed to be the ones who were always rooting for me to fail. Who reveled in my downfall and grew bitter at my accomplishments. I thought I had lost my best friend forever and lived many a day a in fear that I would not see them again.
I carried the weight of the world upon my shoulders. Barely making it through the days without collapsing. I’ve felt I was torn in a million different directions, everyone trying to take a little piece of me. I spent countless sleepless nights, tossing and turning, spending far too much time in the dark recesses of my own head. At times I thought I was my biggest enemy and my only supporter. Pounds were gained and shed and tears were never far from my eyes.
I learned I am much stronger than I ever thought I was. I survived distance and fighting and heart aches. I learned how to pick myself up. I became quite closed off and cut ties with people that I thought would be in my life forever. I pulled myself out of the toxicity that was my life.
And lastly, I turned my whole world upside down. I left everything I had ever known, anyone I had ever loved, packed my car and moved to another part of the country. A new life, a new start, and a lot of unknown is what I face today. And the only thing that runs through my head is how I don’t regret a single choice I made.
13 hours from the only place I had ever called home, seems like a lot. But every day, even though they have their own challenges, I am at peace with the decision I have made.
Everyday is one day closer to the rest of my life. Everday I fall in love harder with my best friend. A kind of love that makes your heart hurt and bones ache when they are away. Everyday I wake up with a whole new zest for life. My shoulders don’t ache, my mind rests peacefully at night. My bones don’t feel stiff and my biggest frustration is how to get home in evening traffic.
Life is good, it’s great for once and if there was anything I ever wanted to hold onto, it would be these days, these moments, these feelings.
